The Rapture Letter Game

So, the Rapture has come and, for obvious reasons, you’re still here. Within about a week, you’re flooded with emails and letters from your X-tian friends (or not), and you have to plod through each and every cumbersome 2800 word letter telling you that your friends (if you have any) were taken away by the Rapture, and blah blah blah, something biblical, antichrist. Like you couldn’t have figured this out on your own.
Well fear not (at least, not about having to go through the letters), simply read the first and last sentence of each letter to essentially summarize the meandering diatribe of the X-tians who are no longer with us. In most cases, this reduces the body of the message to its bare essentials, and if the writer is/was fairly proficient, you should have a clear understanding as to the intended message. If the writer’s not so proficient, it becomes more of a game; the letters become surreal, or humorous, or they could potentially be misinterpreted as another type of letter altogether.
Note: This is a variation of the Andy Rooney Game, and is just as fun to play.
Here are some samples, collected from the Internet, of the Rapture Letter Game:

Written by ?

You are receiving this email because the “Rapture” has taken place and you’ve been left behind. Amen.
(This is short, concise, and lets you get on with your day. Now, let’s go look for stuff.)
Written by Heather
Dear Freind: I’m sure you’re terrified and confused by all of the terrible events that have occurred. Your friend in Christ, Heather
(The above letter could point to any natural disaster, or could even reference McCain getting elected President)
Written by Matt
To Those Who Did Not Disappear: Hey. Make a decision today.
(I’ll decide what kind of cereal to eat today. Thanks!)
Written by Herbert
Dear Friend, Are you looking for me? Wish, truly, that you were here!!
(Yes, where did you go? Was it Panama? How’s the weather? Man, I hear some of the resorts give free cigarettes!)
Written by Jim
Dear friends:
I call you friends, in the same manner as Jesus did with us. With much love In Him – Jim
(Aww, that’s so sweet. Jim’s pretty awesome. I never get letters like this.)
Written by ?
If tens of millions of people worldwide have recently disappeared, then Read this. God Speed.
(I’ll read this as fast as I can, you can be sure of that.)
Form Rapture Letter by raptureletters.com
Dear Friend; This message has been sent to you by a friend or a relative who has recently disappeared along with millions and millions of people around the world. God bless you.
(I hope my friend wasn’t one of the millions of people kidnapped every day, and forced to join some kind of doomsday cult … that would be horrible.)

Don’t think these letters are useless. They contain valuable information about potentially available material goods and real estate. Remember, it’s not just you that’s been left behind.