London Bashing

July 29, 2004 D. H. McKee

Off

Heh heh. I love the chance to bash London, and I do it whenever I can. I was born in London, went to school there, and after a few attempts at moving away, found myself coming back. Luckily, I’ve broken the chain, and am happily living in Kitchener, the midway point between London and Toronto, and the center of the high-tech world in Ontario (possibly Canada).
My friend sent me this list, and I was laughing out loud after the first three entries. It’s terrific, but only makes any sense to Londoners. And yeah, I do miss the ‘S’ curve on Dundas St. just east of Adelaide.
You know you’ve lived in London when:

You know not to go to the Galleria, unless you want to buy drugs, see a cheap movie, or work out at Good Life

You go to Masonville because it’s the “good” mall

You know what E.O.A means

You steer clear of E.O.A as best you can

When people ask you what part of the city you live in, you first explain you don’t live E.O.A.

You originally thought the Aquatic Centre was either an aircraft hanger or a bomb shelter

You wish you lived in the Masonville Area

You know that Beal, Clark Road, Banting, and Ross are the ghetto schools. Oakridge and Lucas are the snobby schools where the students drive better cars than the teachers ever will, Saunders once had a shooting, a stabbing, and once caught fire and no one’s ever in class anyways because they’re all hanging out in the parking lot over at Westmount Mall

As far as the catholic schools go you know the hicks all go to RMC, the Snobs all go to STA, the slutty girls can be found at CCH, and the new Canadians all go to JPII. And you’re vaguely aware of that new one out in the middle of no where in the north of the city where all the rich kids go.

You feel that while SilverCity may be really expensive, it’s right in Masonville, and where else do you really want to be?

You listen to FM 96, BOB FM and 6X-FM. If you’re bored, you’ll listen to CHRW 97.7FM, but you’re not crazy about it because “the shit they play is too random for me, man”.

It’s taken you up to 2 hours to get home using the LTC.

(When it was around), you mocked the police helicopter and wondered why it was always flying over Byron and Oakridge? What could possibly be going so wrong in Byron or Oakridge?

You’ve marveled at the freakishly short grass at London Life and have been compelled to walk on it.

When you’re bored, you phone a friend and say “let’s go get some coffee at Starbucks or William’s”, but inevitably, you wind up at Timmy’s.

You get really excited over those giant store openings, and immediately applied for a job there

You’ve dragged raced anywhere

You liked the old Storybook Gardens better, they didn’t need to sink millions into the place, just bring back those jack and Jill slides that were apparently a “liability.”

You’re sitting in a Tim Horton’s and outside the window you can see another Tim Horton’s.

You mock people from Sudbury, Stratford or Port Stanley for not living in “real cities” and loath anyone from near London who says they’re from London when they’re really from St. Thomas or Alsia Craig or someplace equally as lame.

You revere Toronto. A day trip there makes up for a month of sitting in your backyard at home

You feel The London Free Press seems to change its logo, look, contents, and political allegiances on what, a weekly basis?

One of your class trips once involved going to any of the following: Sifton Bog, Eldon House, the Children’s Museum The Fanshawe Pioneer Village, Farmer Jack’s Apple Orchard or Longwood’s

You got all excited and had a superior feeling when you realized that in 1992, when Canada turned 125, London was already 200 years old

When The Covent Garden market re-opened, you were sad the mechanical pony didn’t have more of a place of prominence and what happened to the pet store? That was the best part of going to the old Market (certainly wasn’t wandering though the basement of a parking garage.)

You marvel at the longevity of the Mascot diner at Dundas and Richmond, hasn’t it been there for like, ever?

You venture downtown for few things amongst them: to get tattooed or pierced (though you wish Backstage Pass would open up their own studio so that you would never have to leave Masonville) the only other reason to go is to get drunk at one of London’s 600 bars.

You’re shocked that London is actually getting big acts to the John Labbatt Centre yet pissed you’ve got to go downtown in order to see them, and furthermore you don’t have a good excuse to go to Toronto anymore!

You dare your stupid friend from out of town to jump in the Thames near that spot where that fisherman discovered all the toxic coal tar deposits

You get confused when you go to McDonald’s in other cities and they don’t have your favourite new burger.anyone remember the McDLT.no one outside of London has ever heard of this bastardization of meat and bread. If we don’t like it, no one will, this is what someone at head office has decided. We’re guinea pigs! You feel used, yet oddly flattered.

Only under rare circumstances will you enter the Embassy. (It is EOA after all) You affectionately call it “the rat’s nest”. You prefer Call the Office.

The cops have come to at least one party you’ve thrown at your house. Bonus if you’ve called the cops on the party going on across the street

Every bar in London accepted your fake id, even though it’s someone’s G1 and gives your age as 27, and the person in it is not the same race and a foot shorter than you

Prince Al’s seems to be open 24-7. You’ve eaten there after the bar too many times to count. Mmmm.milkshakes!

You miss the ‘S’ curve on Dundas east. Wasn’t the removal of that supposed to increase business down there.didn’t work did it!

When you say, “oh this is Paul, he went to Central”, instantaneously all of your friends will rattle off the names of 30 people that they think went to Central, or are friends of people who went to Central. Amazingly, Paul will know all of them. He will also know all of your friends before you’ve introduced them.

You’ve wondered when the New PL will just be called PL, plus the new PL isn’t all that different from the old PL and what the fuck does PL stand for anyway?

Jenny Jones is a Londoner. That doesn’t makes her cool, but so few famous people are from London you’ve got to take an ironic pride in her, the dad from Alias and the guy who was married to Jessica Tandy.

You’ve walked through the sea of people at the forks of the Thames to watch fireworks that will inevitably irritate your eyes

You can still sing the old London Tigers theme song: The crack of the bat, The smack of the glove, It’s the sounds of the game that everyone loves It’s London Tigers baseball Tear ’em up tigers, let’s go! Tear ’em up tigers, play ball!

You miss the old Knights logo. This new one makes them look too much like the Mighty Ducks

You think going to Grand Bend only seems cool during May 24.

You celebrate May 24 more than any other part of Canada, because you live in London, a big city where NOTHING EVER HAPPENS.

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