Open Letter to the Guy Who Broke into my Car

Hi there. I’m the guy whose car you broke into last night. While I feel somewhat violated by the intrusion, I want to make sure to let you know there’s no hard feelings. I should have locked my car properly, and that’s my fault.
But, thanks for not stealing my iPod, Ray Ban sunglasses, hats, coats, tools, extension cords, Tic-Tacs, Swiss Army knife, cordless drill, first aid kit, electric sander, and road maps. Though I’m not sure why you didn’t take those things, it suggests that you were either inexperienced, or perhaps in a hurry, or just plain looking for something else.
By the way, I’m saddened to discover you took my gum and the dollar-store carabiner from my dash. I guess you needed the three remaining pieces of gum. I can always buy more.
But definitely thanks for not breaking into R’s car. She’s been burgled three times already, so it was probably my turn anyway.
And thanks for finding my black ball cap — the one with the skull and crossbones on the front. I’d been looking for that for ever.

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